“This hurts me more than you”…I think we’ve all heard that line before. I never understood the phrase until I had children of my own. My mom used to say that. Of course, I’d secretly roll my eyes knowing that she couldn’t possibly being hurting more than I was at that moment no matter what the issue was. Usually it was referring to a punishment. Let me clarify that I was spanked. I deserved to be spanked but I was only spanked rarely and it was reserved for serve circumstances. I was not abused at all. Looking back I think I could have been spanked a little more often. My punishments usually were of the grounding variety. I did see how that could possibly hurt her more than me. I learned this lesson the hard way when I had to carry out my son’s first sentence of grounding. Within a day, I was on the phone to my mom crying, “Why am I being punished here?” She laughed so hard I thought she was going to wet herself. Her only reply was, “See what I meant by this hurts me more than you?”
That was my first lesson. While that was more torture than anguish, I’ve had many lessons since that as a parent we feel what our children feel. Recently, this has been reinforced as I’ve watched my middle son work extremely hard to achieve all A’s in school. (Personally, I do not think letter grades give any indicator of what a person knows. I for one have made A’s in classes that today I could not tell you a thing on their subject matter. But that’s another story all together). He’s a very active kid. Always has been. I don’t mean climbing the walls or jumping up and down on the furniture. I mean he’s one of those kids that go gung ho in activities. He’s a member of the Jr. Guard, Color Guard, Rangers, football, the Classic Car Club and music club. See? I’m tired just listing what he does and that’s not including his social life…which isn’t very much other than these things listed these days.
As I said before, grades are not a true indicator of what a kid knows. I have seen them get average grades but completely understand the course work and I’ve seen them make A’s and couldn’t tell you the first thing about the subject after the class was over. So I don’t put much credence in numerical or alphabetical evaluation. However, I always encourage them to learn. That being said, this particular child can range from an A to C in the bat of an eye. I encourage him but I don’t punish if they try. This semester he decided, since it was his last year in Jr. Guard, that he wanted to earn the Academic Patch. This is awarded to members who achieve straight A’s in a semester. He has participated in all of his extra curriculars AND studied late into the evening. As of last week he had all As. I’m so proud of his work.
Yesterday, however, I had one of those lesson moments again. It does hurt me more than him…I think at least. He had finals yesterday and again today. He looked last night at the grading online and his finals appear to have brought his score down to a high B in both the courses he tested in. He’s so frustrated and now thinks it’s pointless to even try. He’s missing the lesson here. He really, really dedicated his self to this and regardless of whether or not he obtains this patch, he accomplished so much more than a piece of cloth and thread can ever show. But I understand his frustration. It kills me to see the hurt on his face. It radiates from his body in waves of despair. His shoulders are stooped over and he sounds defeated.
This does hurt more than I thought possible. I understand now how things can hurt a parent just as much as a child, if not more. I have no words that will comfort him. No actions to fix it. Nothing but a hug and pat on the back which all fall flat. It rips at my heart to know that there is nothing I can do to make things better for him. No words. No actions. No band aid to apply on his wound. I am helpless but to sit back and watch him struggle through this. To find his own way and learn his own lessons. I only hope that I prepared him enough to have the tools, knowledge, and heart to know that this too will pass and be but a speck on the journal that is his life.
While he’s learning to cope with what he views as defeat, I’m having to learn to cope with the fact that once again I have to learn to let go, hide my pain, and stand strong in the belief that he will realize that he is a bright, talent young man who will go far on his leadership skills and big heart. And I realize that that is the biggest part of the phrase, “This hurts me more than you”
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