A couple of years ago, while going through some dark and not so great things in my life, I wrote some blog posts that a few months ago I removed. I thought perhaps they were too dark. Lately, however, I’ve noticed that darkness is necessary to appreciate the light in our lives. I’m still walking my journey in and out of the darkness; only now I’m on the fringes instead of fulling basking in it. I started blogging as a form of self therapy but then dabbled in the whole idea of joining in the blog-sphere. You know, the idea of having someone read what I was doing? I realized that it has killed my creativity and blinded my walk to a healthy life. It’s contributed to my lack of material...aka writers block and my lack of focus in the here and now not just on paper. Why would my Muse visit if she thought I was trying to sell her on someone? Writing is very personal for me and my best writing has always been during darker times or right after dark times.
I’m going through some of these dark moments but with a much better handle on what they are. I think a lot. I mean, really a lot.I have a reason for it; after all, there was a decade where I didn’t think before I acted at all. It’s good that I think. However, I think I’ve taken this whole thinking thing to a totally new level. I have situations to deal with…decisions to make. I can’t though. Or rather, I won’t because I’m thinking about all the different angles; all the different consequences; all the life altering actions that will take places. One small choice can change everything. Yet I don’t know what lies ahead so I find myself worrying that whatever decisions I make may impact the future I am already unsure of.
As part of my self growth (what I once called my healing), I’m returning to my roots so to speak. I dug up my old posts and am re-posting them here. Warning: they aren’t pretty. They aren’t sane. I wasn’t pretty nor sane at the time. Truth be told, none of us are ever completely pretty nor completely sane. It wouldn’t be right if we were. I’ve decided to return these here in hopes that maybe, just maybe, they’ll be a reminder to me of where I was. I don’t want to go back there. I want to continuously go forward. I know you have to take a step back every now and then to gain perspective and that is what I am doing by re-posting them now.
As part of my self growth (what I once called my healing), I’m returning to my roots so to speak. I dug up my old posts and am re-posting them here. Warning: they aren’t pretty. They aren’t sane. I wasn’t pretty nor sane at the time. Truth be told, none of us are ever completely pretty nor completely sane. It wouldn’t be right if we were. I’ve decided to return these here in hopes that maybe, just maybe, they’ll be a reminder to me of where I was. I don’t want to go back there. I want to continuously go forward. I know you have to take a step back every now and then to gain perspective and that is what I am doing by re-posting them now.
I had someone email when I removed them. She was worried about me. I thought it was sweet but didn’t see why she would worry. I get it now. When I removed them, I removed me from here as well. I have so much to say and never can but how can I if I censor myself from myself? These are the days that formed my now. I can’t decide the future if I don’t face the past. Thank you for reminding me that the darkness is part of the light.
So here they are. They were written over 3 years ago and much has happened since then. Yet in some ways, I’m still that person...she still needs help...she still needs strength.
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In the beginning
These pages are the beginning of my long journey to sanity. I have dived off the plank of normal rational thought into the depths of a dark abyss. I have been blinded by fear and stupidity and by self destruction. These pages serve as a record of my healing. I am bound by them to become the woman I know I am. These pages serve as the instrument to which I will erect the life that once thrived in this body!
For now is the beginning...
Gertrude is dead
Gertrude is dead! She once was an amazing woman. Full of love and a witty spirit, she would travel to the ends of the earth to make all around her content regardless of her own happiness. Tonight I realized that she is gone. I once could feel her presence within myself and glowed because of it. Saturday night I wiped her off the face of the earth with a stupid act, I cut my friend, my beloved best friend off on the phone for a stranger. The man I was going to marry, the man I was going to grow old with. In this act, I killed Gertie in his eyes and heart and truth be told in my heart as well. I miss her like there is no tomorrow. When she was with me I could feel. Now I only feel the numbing sensation of pain. She was the ultimate idol of grace, kindness, love, and humanity. I turned my back on her. I thrust the knife of stupidity into her chest and turned the blade. I don’t know how to resuscitate her or if I even can. I do know that by my act of cowardliness I have changed the eyes that once looked at me as if I were a Goddess. Now those eyes only see a dead woman, a cold, heartless void of a human. And I too see that person when I look into the mirror. I feel that person within myself and strain to scream out that that is not the person I wish to be. I want more of my life. I want life!!! I want to breathe life back into the entity that once was the source of my very life. I am dead without Gertie in my heart and soul. She is the very essences of life to me, for me, within me. I have lost not only the man I was meant to grow old with but the very soul that God gave me. Gertrude is dead! I am but a shell that once housed her!
Mirror mirror on the wall…
He held a mirror up to me and it cut like glass. Shards dug into my skin; Piercing my soul. The image looking back at me was a deformed, hideous figure void of any kind of compassion or life. His eyes could see what no other could. His eyes have seen the soul that everyone else has overlooked. That’s why his eyes could see the death growing in me. I have irrationally turned to an immature self destructive force. Careless of anything that I truly cared about, I walked myself straight into the fires of hell and laughed. Yes the heat is unbearable. My heart hurts more than if nine thousand knives were to hack away at me. My soul is so raw and bleeding, I don’t know if I can ever resuscitate the life that was once thriving within myself. I know that I am in here. I know that I want out. I know that the life that was intended for me is there. I want it with all my being. For a moment of madness, I have smothered the only breath I could ever breathe with honesty. Can I fight my way out? Can I be the person I know I am deep in here? The person I know he has seen? My heart aches but more so, my soul is in excruciating agony. That has to mean something. Is the feeling of death actually the beginning of life? I’ve looked so long for something that was always right in front of me. Is there hope to salvage my soul? Can I unite with what was supposed to be? I ache in the agony that I have created. My desire now has shifted from killing what was good to bringing life back into the eyes that look into this mirror.
Time to face the truth
I sound like some kind of touched woman in my previous posts. I am. Seriously touched. Those were the words that came out when I started typing. So much is going on. I’m having to grow up quick. I’m not the slightest bit proud of myself. I was given an amazing gift of a one of a kind man and I abused this gift. He’s always accepted me for all my flaws even though in my eyes he has no flaws. I’m realizing what horrid behavior I’ve had towards him and I truly want to be a better person. Last night he called back and I have glimmers of hope that there could be an us again. He’ll never believe my words. I only hope I have time to show him by my actions. I will spend the rest of my days being who I truly am. I’ve wasted so much time chasing what I was looking for. The entire time my life was there, happening, growing, and I was too self consumed that I could see it. He asks me how could and why and the scariest thing is I don’t know how. I do know that waking up Tuesday morning I felt it like a ton of bricks…I do want to marry him…I want to share the joys and pains of life. I want to be there for him just as he as been there for me…I want to be there for myself. I’m better than I have behaved. I’m not trash but I have tossed my soul out like it was nothing. I’ll never forgive myself and worse, he’ll never forgive me.
As terrible as I have been to him, he’s made my lunch the past two days. This morning as I sat in his truck to get my lunch I looked at his face…the face of a living angel. Rough and aged, it is the most beautiful face on the earth. I can’t describe in words the places in my heart he touches with a look, a smile, a frown, and snicker. I’ve never had what he gives me. I hope I haven’t lost it forever. Although these are just words on a page, I will dig to find the soul I once had. He deserves so much better than me but I want to be his lobster…his Gertie!!
I realized today that I promise so many things and fail every one of them. I’ve never learned to fulfill a promise. That has to be my first step to returning to the living. I have to swear – not him, not to you, not to anyone else- to myself that I will fulfill those things I “promise” .
I love him. He’s part of me and I want to dig deep and find who he once saw. I want to put a smile on his face and in his heart again!
My insane ramblings continued
What the heck am I to do? I’ve screwed up with him. I have no idea why. I’m just screwed up mentally and he has paid the price. It’s killing me inside and my head just won’t settle down. I’m killing him with my constant talk of fixing us. Tonight after several mixed drinks I’ve decided to back off. I will be myself. I will find who I am but I will not suffocate the man I love simply to hold on to him. I am from an insane lineage of mental problems and I’ve sucked him in to the hell that my family is destined to become. I fought it but am too weak to win. I will continue to fight though until the last breathe I take. I want to be a wife, his wife, his soul mate that I am. But I can not force it. I simply must step back, breathe, let him breathe, and pray for what should be.
The swing
He called to offer the swing off his front porch. He’ll be getting a new one. This was done with the sweetest intentions but it was like a knife jetted into my chest; thrust hard and sharp and twisted. That swing was ours. We spent many mornings on that swing drinking coffee, watching horses, talking, sitting in silence, snuggling, laughing, living. I have to have it. I have to hold onto that swing. He is getting me out of his house whether it is on purpose or just a subtle thing, each action pushes me farther out of his life. Oh yes I’ll always be in his life but I want to be his life and he my life. I can’t obsess on it but it’s still very raw and bubbles up to the surface easily. I’m trying so hard not to but I suppose it’s part of the me finding myself, my life, I can’t be his if I’m not mine. I hear phrases from him once in a while that lets me know his heart hasn’t killed me off completely just shut down to protect him from my mental spin of destruction. I want to be well mentally, spiritually, and physically. If all goes well the next couple of weeks he would like to take me on a date. Please dear Lord above give me the strength to do right, to remain stable, to not beat him with my ramblings. I want this. I want to be complete and I know I can’t be without him. And if he moves on without me, Lord give me the strength. The strength to grow, to remain his best friend. We are soul mates this I know, I have to become well, become whole, I have to find my reality and my happiness.
Bipolar Betty
I’ve always joked about this person. Everyone’s always laughed and thought it was so funny. No one, not even him, realized I’m Betty. There’s Gertie and Betty. Betty is a biach. She’s the bad ugly roller coaster that makes your guts ram up into the back of your throat just enough for you to upchuck then slams back down to thrust the vomit back down your throat burn and tears into your throat, heart, and chest all the way down. I’ve fought this battle with her for as long as I can remember. Some of my happiest times have been darkened by her visit. And when all is right with my world and Gertie is shining, Betty, like the wicked step sister she is, rears her ugly head and I screw up my life. She’s here! With me, right now. I’m fighting with her fiercely. I will not let her win, not without a fight to the death. I know I need a little sleeping pill to put her comatose at least for while, but the thought of pushing a pill down my throat nightly, the side effects, the cost, the knowledge that I can’t cope with out chemical enhancement, it frightens me. But knowing without it I’m killing Gertie is far worse than the ills of the other. Have a waited to long to get help? I know I’ll be fine but have I exposed him and Gertie to Betty too much? Will he and she give up on me? I hear it in his voice, he cares but he worries about me. Is what I’m hearing just friendly worry? I sit here tonight looking at the clock waiting on his call…he’s out…with the one I pushed him to in a moment of Betty’s control. Now Betty giggles and I die inside knowing he’s with another, she’s making him laugh, smile, feel warm all over and that’s my place. Not her’s not even Betty’s…MINE! He belongs to me and I belong to him. It’s decided…Betty must go…the little pills must come back…I have to have control. Bye Bye Bipolar Betty!
Ramblings form last night
I’m working on a speech for Monday and can’t even concentrate the slightest on it. my chest is tight and I can’t breathe. I’m making lasagna for him…he loves it. I really don’t have all the best ingredients but I think I am clever enough to make it out of what I have. God this is killing me. He’s on a date that I pushed him to. I want him home. I want him curled up next to me. I want to melt in each other and never separate. But it’s too late. I’ve killed it. I hear it though in his voice. He loves me, he knows I’m in here. Please don’t give up on me…oh please don’t give up. I’m fighting to come back out. I won’t let this win. I feel so insane and completely sane at the same time. Last week I lost control of my rational thought process
Why did I do that? Oh dear Lord! Why did I lose it like that? At 11:30 at night I drove clear to his house. My chest was so tight I couldn’t breathe, it’s been that way all night. I gotta get some breathing room but I can’t. I just want to hold on to him so badly.
It’s really really early. I want to drive over there again. This time with his key, the things we were going to exchange, and tell him my decision. I want to snuggle up to my friend, my best friend. I am going to get some help. I am going this afternoon at 1 to the after hours clinic to see about something for the anxiety. I can’t control right now at all. I’m going to get through this week and then try to find some kind of help for my little ol mental self. I can’t try to convince myself any longer that I’m a normal person. I have a disease and I have to treat it. I’ve tried to handle it for years and I’ve only pissed it off.
Short circuit overload
I’ve lost my mind. Maybe that’s a good thing. It really wasn’t working for me. However, as a side effect I’m short circuiting. There’s an overload going on within me and it is killing me. I have to quit thinking about him and his new life. I have to stop dwelling on the fact that I can’t be normal like everyone else. I have to stop dwelling. Dwelling within myself that I am a sick person. I have issues that I have to deal with but can’t because quite simply I can not function like this. I am spiraling down to the bowels of hell and I really think inside I’m a good person. Why do I always mess things up? Why do I ruin things for myself and those around me? Why does my mind think the things it thinks? They aren’t me. I know they aren’t. I can’t even concentrate on the one thing I know must be done today…my speech…it’s tomorrow and all I know is the opening…which I really want to say… Hello I’m blah blah and I suck!
...I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t even be human anymore. I just don’t get me.
Let it go Gertie
I’m letting go. All of this must go away. I can’t continue down this road. I want to laugh! I want smile! I want to mean all of it. I want to keep this promise right now. I want to be me…I want to like me. I promise to be good to myself and let the rest go. NO phone calls! NO manic moments of stalking like behavior! I'm better than this. I promise to be good to myself!
Better or worse; sickness & health (a letter to him)
Well, I slept pretty decent for a while tonight, er, last night. Anywho, I woke
up at 4 ish with this thought and I have to get it out of my head. You really
want me to tell you it is ok for you to move on and have a life while I try to
get my head straight and get myself well. No, I won’t tell you that. Why? I
know that it has been a hellish ride for the past couple of years. I will never
forgive myself for that. However, I know that that has not been me and I did
not MAKE you hide in your house. You can’t blame that on me. Yes I should have been more open about the bipolar but even I didn’t see it. Here’s my problem with telling you it’s ok for you to carrying on and get a life with another woman while you “wait” for me to get my head straight and get well because whether you believe it or not I have not purposely been cruel or cold or dead, I have a disease called bipolar. YES, it is a disease. I will have it until the day I die. I am now treating it and trying my damnedest to win and get better. I will have good days and bad days the rest of my life. But I will now fight it with every ounce of my being. No it is not fair that you had to go through the roller coaster of the ride that is my life. But you chose to love me…all of me. I am not proud of what I go through mentally and in some aspects physically with this. You dealt with this for the past 3 years, I’ve dealt with it my entire life. So why will I not say it is ok for you to have a new life while I struggle with this? (and yes I know you are struggling too. Everyone that is close to me is struggling I know that) The answer is this, You wanted me to marry you. And believe it or not I so desperately wanted and still want to marry you. As best I remember the vows that you asked me to take were, For better or for worse, through sickness and in health… This is that part of our life…the sickness and the worse. I will get better. I will have up days and down days. Even on medication I’ll have days that I don’t like myself, that I don’t have true life in me. Will you always have to go have another life until I get better? I’m not proud of my behavior. At times, I’ve died inside at all of it. And I know so have you. I’m not proud of the few times I wasn’t there for you when you really needed me. But I was there many times that I was there. The true me; the me that is inside me fighting like hell to get out….alone, is always there and always has been there for you. You even said yourself you never had someone take such good care of you like I do, or did. My heart belongs to you . You make my nose wrinkle, you help put that giggle in my voice, the smile in my heart, you help make me appreciate the birds singing when it’s storming out side. This time in our lives has been the worse and the sickness…I told you many moons ago the vows actually meant something to me….it’s all the vows. I will never forgive myself for some of my actions because I turned my back on you those two times and I die a little more each time they come into my mind. And I’m sorry if this hurts your feelings but I have to say what is on my heart, but I feel like although you have been here for the worse for me, now that I have figured out what’s “wrong” with me, you’ve turned away until its fixed. So if you don’t feel right about the “situation” as you called it and you are looking to me to say yes it’s ok, I can’t. I love you, yes you are my lobster and yes I want to some day marry you. I want to be your wife, because in many many ways, I am your wife. I have felt it in my heart for so long. Hell I still slip and say my husband when talking about you. The things I’ve done are not excusable but as you learn more about bipolar (google it by the way, theres lots to learn) it becomes clearer and clearer. So instead of basically asking me to understand why you have to go have a life which is fine I understand but you are asking me to understand why you have to have a life with one other woman. And I can’t do that. I won’t do that. Sickness and in Health, For better or for worse… I will get better and I will have the twinkle in my eye, the giggle in my throat, and the silly life back in my soul, I already feel it. It’s coming back more so now than ever in my life. You have to do what you have to do, but I will not give you my blessings to carry on a life with some other woman (and I’m not even talking sexually even just emotionally) while you wait for me to get well, to get my head straight. I’ve held your head while you’ve puked your guts out from either too much alcohol or your stomach, I’ve dragged all of us 20 miles from Somerset to check on you passed out on your bed, I’ve done the same to find you green and passing out on the couch, I’ve taken you to the doctor when you were blacking out and in so much pain, I listened to all the stories you had to get out when you and your ex-wife split, I’ve listened to you even work through some of the pains of growing up with Mike. In the grand scheme of our lives together I have been there more than I haven’t. This short but hellish period of our lives will pass, I will get well; get my head straight. I will be your best friend to the day I die but I wish right now, I had those things I just said. I love you with every ounce of my soul this I mean. I had to tell you these things because well this is what has been weighing on my heart and mind. I am working to get myself better. To be the person I truly am inside. No I won’t tell you it’s ok and if you feel quilt about your “situation”, that should tell you something there. I’m not asking you to put your life on hold. I was simply asking you to practice those vows you wanted me to take. Because I do love you for better or worse and in sickness and in health. I’ve been pretty shitty over the past 3 years but you will find no one on this earth that loves you any more or deeper than I do. I accept you as you are. So don’t look for me to tell you it is ok. Because it isn’t ok and if you feel bad about it you need to listen to your heart. I’m not asking you to put your life on hold. Have a life but not with one woman you are building a new life with in case this one doesn’t get “fixed”. It’s not fair to me, not fair to you, and not fair to her. I will get well. I will fight this and I will pull myself out of it. I now know the answer to the whys….bipolar and I now know what to do to get it under control. And I will! Know this Jeff, I have never met a more honest, trustworthy, and dependable man than you. I have never let anyone get as close to me as you have and it just came naturally. I will get my head fixed, I will get well. Then what will you do with your new life? Where will I fit? No Jeff I won’t say it is ok. You have to decide that. I love you and will cherish you all the days of my life. You are so much of me that I’m lost trying to find me without you. And I think in some ways, you are going through the same thing. Well that’s enough I guess. I’m not trying to beat you but I had to get this out and off my chest. I woke up with it on my mind and weighing heavy on my heart. I hope you read this all and I hope you can see my thinking. Whatever happens in life just know that I do love you for better or worse, through sickness and in health.
I love you
Your woman
Gertie
It’s a good day! I slept well. For the first time in forever I just wanted to keep snuggling in my sheets. It felt so good to be there. I didn’t jump up hitting the floor jittery and panicked. I felt fresh minded. Clear headed. I could think and be rational. I could and still at this moment can feel myself returning. Gertie is coming back to life. Yeah!
I had a conversation with him several times yesterday. I want to hate him but I don’t I love him. He still just doesn’t get that he’s left me to fend for myself with this. But that is neither here nor there. He talked so sweet about me. I could hear the love and desire in his voice. He wanted to meet for breakfast (not the food the act). I woke up this morning and thought…I’m better than that. I deserve better than that. I will get well. I’ll get a handle on my illness. Then he’ll want to come back after the storm is gone. Does that mean he’s weak? I don’t know. Does that mean he doesn’t love me? No. Does that mean anything? I don’t know. I do know he has what he calls his “situation” another woman. I am worth so much more than a poke and a fair weather friend. Yes He has been there through so much but this is when I need my rock. Or do I? I’m standing on my own. Facing my fears, my illness, the darkness face forward, semi alone. I am, Not him Not anyone. Just me. And I feel myself winning. The bridge will not be set on fire now. I’ll wait until I get to it to cross it. I think I just got a little stronger. Welcome back Gertie!
This evening, we road around together. We went to this hill that we went to years ago that we promised each other we would return to. I always made excuse not to go and for the life of me I can’t remember why now. It is an amazing place; birds, trees, the sun shined down through the trees as it was setting…it was truly heaven on earth. I could breath and relax. I could have stayed on that hill forever. On the way back we came upon two trees, a maple and a hickory, I think it was. They had grown side by side touching, then spread apart then literally grew together and stretched for the heavens above. Neither he nor I had ever seen anything like it. IT was breath taking. I realized ONE is from two is a miracle, a blessing. Something sacred. Something that I truly desire. I don’t feel fearful anymore. On that hill, looking at that tree, a sense of peace came over me. I do want to be one, with him. Time will tell if it will happen, but just like that tree starting from the base side by side, then growing apart for a few years, then joining as one , I know that nature and the wholeness of true love takes patience and time. I love him. Truly, deeply and breathtakingly. We pinkie promised to return to the hill. I will keep that promise…as soon as he’s ready. Until then, I’ll close my eyes, breath in deep, and imagine the sights and sounds up there where earth meets heaven and long for the day to return.
I have to break free but can’t and don’t really want to. He won’t take me back until I’m well and wants me to stop worrying about him and work on me. Does he not realize that after all this time we are nearly one? It’s so painful. It’s like morning a death; truly a loss. But its making me physically ill to have him on my mind so much. I have to break free and make me well; make me whole. I can’t let my mind think of what he is moving on to. I can’t keep looking at every woman I see as the one he is with. He says he’ll be with me one day he knows it. So I have to break free. I have to work on me. I had a great evening. I cooked steak out for the boys, burned some trash, and just hung out with my boys. I felt the air on my skin, heard the birds, and breathed so deep I felt it in my toes. I think that Saturday night I’m going to take the boys to the truck pulls. I know they’d love it and I wouldn’t be sitting here just thinking and thinking about what has been lost. That’s what makes me loose my mind. I will find my way back to sanity. I hope it has him beside me but I realize I have to do this alone. Whatever the outcome I know I’ll be stronger.
Letter to him
I know you have a lot on your mind these days. I also know that I too have had a lot on my mind. I am truly trying to get myself to a well state. For the first time I’m dealing with my demons and my problems. In the past I shut down and shut out the problems. I can no longer do that and truly be alive. So in order to get better and in order to be alive again I have to face them. It’s been one year since that terrible night that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I am not in the least bit proud of myself on any level. As a matter of fact, I hate myself for any and all of my action then. And on some levels I will always hate myself. You are trying to figure it out in your head and I completely understand; I am too. You wondered how or why I treated you the day after like I did. That has past briefly through my mind in the past but I shut it out because I couldn’t understand it myself. Today while sitting in the movie theater I couldn’t get it out of my mind. Why did I treat you like that? Why did I let you feel so guilty? Then it came to me. I was mad at you. I was hurt. What I did was inexcusable but for the first time in my life with you, I was let down too. I was put in a situation I shouldn’t have been in. You let the alcohol take place before me. Just as my dad had done so many times in my life. That is no excuse for the action I had that night but the next day I was as hurt as you are. Not only had I felt abandon in some levels but I betrayed not only you but myself as well. I felt that I was nothing, that I was not worthy of anything. I was angry and hurt and disgusted with myself and with us. We were so much more than the actions we took. I can’t go back and change the past because if I could Lord knows I would. I am finally trying to deal with the horrible side of me and my life that I let run amuck. I know in my heart and soul that the person that was here a year ago is not who I am. The person that was here a few weeks ago is not who I am. I am raw and I am hurting. The person I was in the past didn’t feel anything but closed off and empty. I feel – I feel pain, happiness, love, hurt, tears, laughter, I can see the sun and feel the rain again. I don’t know what all that means but I haven’t experienced it in a very long, long time. When you asked me had I turned on you any other time in our lives together, I was being honest. Those have been the darkest times in my life. You have no reason to believe me and I have no right to ask you to believe me. I hope that some day regardless of us, you can find it in your heart to forgive me and to let it go. I hope I can do the same because right now I can’t. I know who I can be both the good and the bad. I know that I don’t want the bad. I feel a bit stronger everyday and at the same time as I’m finally facing all this I feel even weaker. I don’t know what that means but I think it means I’m alive and that I’m finally dealing with it all. I’m not shutting down, I’m crying, I’m hurting but I’ m a live and a part of it all. I just had to tell you these things. It might make things worse I don’t know I just know that I had to say them. It’s all part of it.
He’s Human After all
He’s human after all. A 30 pack plus…that’s what he went through with little more than an egg sandwich I made him early yesterday morning. He spent the rest of his day consuming a dangerous amount of alcohol. He even met me and took me for a ride to his house. I smelt the stinch of the ale when I climbed into the truck and I froze with my typical fear. The fear I remember from my childhood that my mother always had. Don’t rock the boat. However, on the way back to my car I noticed he couldn’t stay on the road. Lord, why didn’t I say anything then? I’ll never forgive myself for that. He’s kicking himself tonight and for the first time I actually heard him say he had a problem. 6 weeks dry and then boom a 30 pack plus in one day. Not a good thing. But he is facing his demons. How odd I feel. I feel pity, anger, fright, and relief - Relief to know that I am not the sole reason for his misery. I am not the cause of the alcohol consumption. We have been on level playing fields lately. I’ve been climbing the latter to sanity every day and getting closer and closer to the top. I enjoy the sun each and every day and laugh more than I think ever. I can see it in my children’s faces…they see their mother again. And I too see my own reflection once again looking back at me. Now, he must face that mirror. He wants me to help him but is that what he needs? For me to do it for him? To hound him not to drink? To be a bitch? Is that what I need? How complicated life becomes when you are unstable. But at least we both know he is human…he is weak…he is no longer superman but one of us…one of the imperfect creatures God graced the land with.
Open eyes
It's been some time since I've visited my rejuvenation. So much has happened in the span of this journal. I've lost myself and found myself more times than I can imagine. I think I'm in the moment of being found within myself. Each day I get to know another part of who I am and who I want to be. Still not knowing what I want to be when or if I grow up, I'm enjoying the journey to get there. I've learned there's so many things to loath and love in the world and so little energy to pursue them both. I've resigned to find the love in the world. Although I find at times I need to make fists with my toes and smile tightly to get through moments that try to crush my "happy" thoughts.
It truly is amazing what time does heal. The madness I felt a couple of years ago seems but a terrible dream. Yet each day I have a fleeting glimpse, a moment if you will, of the darkness trying to enter my mind. While I swallow the temporary "cure" each morning, I am thankful for the semi reprieve from Betty. I fight each day to keep her at bay; but at times I miss the fun we had. Putting her to sleep comes at a cost. She was the more creative of us. Perhaps someday we can learn to exist together and create beautiful creations together. Until then, I'll swallow her sleeping pill each morning, with my eyes wide open at the sanity of the world. Smile and make a few fists with my toes. Good night Betty. You are missed!
Rocky Road
No, not the ice cream. The real life one. We've all been there, done that. I have one of those relationships. Not to terrible but just enough we can't always hit an even road. It’s the whole opposites attract thing. We are very different and we communicate in completely different realms. But it’s worth working on. I live for words to communicate. He lives for actions to communicate. We can work on melting the two together. The outside world has its opinion on the subject (friends, family, & even the occasional bystander) but as the old saying goes "Opinions are like arseholes...every's got one"
It's amazing we put so much time and effort into things such as electronic purchases, our outfit, what others will think of our actions, our job position & title, but we are conditioned to think that Love should come effortlessly. What a crock. Love is an emotion to a certain extent but my preacher said one Sunday that Love is a Choice. A Choice? WTF? But as I've been bumping along this rocky road of mine I see it. It is a choice. It’s a choice to take what you have and either let it be what it is or work together to mold it into a pliable warm embrace. Because when it’s all said and done what really matters is this the Good outweighs the bad.
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There. There it is. All the darkness that finally began to come to the surface a few years ago. It helped me then to pour the words out on top the pages. Once I started to feel in control again, or at least figured out how to fake the control, I didn't find it necessary to revisit these words. Now I see these words are part of me...a part that if I don't keep breathing life into will come back to crush me back to the brittle shell of a person I was then. I let myself break down to the bare bones I need to be. All I had to do after that was rebuild myself one bone at a time but I stopped there. Now, after reading those long lost words, I realize that I still have unresolved issues I never addressed. Basically, I built the body bone by bone...covered it with flesh but forgot to address the tissue between the two. MMM...what do I do with that?
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