I don’t like to whine…ok, not true. I’m a woman therefore it is my civic duty to whine. I mean that I don’t like to whine about my stuff. The life stuff. I try very hard not to pull the poor pitiful me card but from to time to time I have to. Maybe not in public. Not in front of anyone really. After all, I can’t let myself be part of the broken,the whiny.
I’m tired. Just tired enough to feel beat down. I try very hard to make a good life for my boys and myself. I get up every morning. I go to work. I put in a decent day. After all, my job is not physically demanding. I’m not out in the elements. I’m not asked to commit some moral sin. My job can be mentally taxing. But I love my job. That makes it easier in some ways. Harder in others. That’s another story.
Back on track. I do the things I am required to do. I work. I provide a pretty good home. There’s decent food in the house. They’re clothed decently. They have things. They do things. None of these things are top of the line. Not even knock offs of top of the line but they’re happy enough with them so all’s good. We go to Church but more importantly God is in our home and in our hearts. Not as much as he probably should be; but isn’t that what all Christians strive for? More of Him?
Back on track…again. Here’s where I pull out the pity card. Not intentionally but I always feel like people will think of this as the pity card. I’m a single mom. We have one income…mine. I can’t complain because I have health insurance and good health insurance. I also get time off at Christmas with pay. But it’s still not enough to support four of us on. I make it work…most of the time.
Now is one of those times where I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Well, not completely true. I see dimness but it’s too far away to make out. School starts back in a few days. I am flat broke and still not all the things are taken care of. Payday has come and gone. I’m still lacking the necessary funds to buy the remaining school supplies, a pair of shoes (THE pair of shoes by the way), get haircuts, put gas in the car, more food in the house, and pay the remaining overdue bills.
Now I don’t say all this for pity. I really don’t know why I’m saying all this. I guess just to vent. I’m just tired of the roller coaster ride that I’m on. I’m tired of either feast or famine. Ok so it’s never really a feast but it can be a great meal from time to time. It just amazes me that I can’t stay level. Not mentally. Truthfully I gave that up a long time ago. I mean, why can’t I ever get caught up enough to be balanced out financially? I’m not asking for name brands or top of the line anything. I’m talking about being able to make it from pay day to pay day without holding my breath. Without having to pick between bread and electricity. Without waking up in the middle of the night wondering how on earth I can make more money just to get us by. Without having to fake a happy face 24/7 so people around me don’t pity me or look down on me or so that my children don’t feel insecure in their home or about their security as a whole.
I’m tired. But like the countless times before this I’ll pull myself up; brush myself off, put on my smile, my giggle, make a great day for my family and no one around will be any wiser. I will once again look like I have it all pulled together. And that…I am thankful for.
**UPDATE**
After posting this, I prayed, felt a bit better, took a shower, then checked Facebook. This what "He" left for me:
**UPDATE**
After posting this, I prayed, felt a bit better, took a shower, then checked Facebook. This what "He" left for me:
"Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Jesus Christ(Matthew 6.33-34)So that's what I'm going to do. I feel a bit better. Ok truthfully? I feel a lot better. I'm just going to deal with today with His help. Tomorrow can fear for itself. I can only deal with today...today. But I'm never by myself. I sometimes forget that.
2 comments:
Hey, saw your comments on Writer's Digest forum and then read this. I know how you feel. Our clothes dryer went out about 3 weeks ago. I took it apart and put it back together, but it still doesn't work. So, now we have to take clothes to laundromat. No idea when we'll have the money to buy another. And yes, the kids will soon be going back to school and we have no idea where we'll get the money for all of those things either. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.
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Thanks Newton! I think everyone gets here from time to time. It was just one of those days where everything seemed to be coming at me. I made it through it and I'll tackle tomorrow then. Hope the dryer fairy comes. I remember when ours went out in the middle of winter...frozen jeans can be a real pain in the butt.
BTW: Love your blogs. I've been reading them and there is so much to learn from your observations. Thanks for sharing.
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