It's hard. Too hard sometimes. I try but I still don't feel like I try hard enough. Or at least it isn't enough. Life. I'm talking about life. Please don't take this as a pity party. It's not. We are all handed certain cards in life and how we play them is entirely up to us. It's just I feel like the deck is always stacked not so much against me but everyone else is getting premium cards and I'm getting the discard pile. I made poor choices in life. We all have. Yet I stuck in there and took responsibility for the consequences of those choices. I don't regret that. Not for one minute. As a matter of fact, I am who I am today for those very consequences. A better person. I'm just tired of things always being hard. God always provides for me. That I know without a shadow of a doubt. I'm never fearful of being homeless or going hungry or freezing. But it's always so tight. I can't give my children their basic needs sometimes. They sacrifice so much and it kills me to watch them try to hide their pain and disappointment. It cuts deeper than any knife would...to the bone and then some. Basic things like more than a pair or two of jeans to stretch over a week's time. Basic things like a drink when we run to town for a school activity. Basic things like driver permits, wall coverings, new school supplies, and basic things like self esteem and self respect. I can feel myself failing in this area so badly today.
I have three amazing young men who do not ask for much but sacrifice so much. I hate feeling so inadequate as a provider. It's all on me and I try so hard to balance the roles I must be. I'm failing though. I can't give any one of them enough attention to properly complete their individual tasks sufficiently. So they are all left wanting, needing, desiring something that I can't provide. I'm tired and yet I know I haven't even begin to do enough to get the job done even the minimum.
So what's left for me to do? What else can I do to get through this? I pray and I hope that I don't damage them beyond repair when the grow up and have a life of their own. One I hope is so much better than I've given them. Every parent's goal is to provide a better life for their children than they had. I failed. I've provided such a poor life for them thus far. It will amaze me if they every look back once they leave.
But enough on my sorrow as a failing provider. I'll move past this. I always do. I'll put my happy face on once again. Make everyone around me happy and no one will be the wiser of my deficiency and maybe, just maybe, I'll pull this out of the bucket and make it all happen. Stranger things have happened.
Cat
Sent from my iPhone
3 comments:
Baby girl keep your chin up and keep believing. You are special to your boys and don't doubt that for a moment. They love you.
Look at what you have accomplished on your own thus far. You are a fighter, a survivor, a beautiful woman. *hugs*
Things are not what your boys need right now, I know, because I grew up with very little. My father died when I was four years old, I being the youngest of eight children. My mother was left with the job of getting us raised alone, The one thing we had was love, love of family and friends. Love is what your boys need more than anything else this world could offer. So shower them with love.
Do you have a deck of cards, take an hour or so and play a game of cards with them, Board games are always fun to play together as a family. Go for a walk together as a family. There are many things to do together as a family that doesn't cost a cent, but you share your love with the boys, and they share the love in return. Money doesn't make for happiness, it just helps to pay the bills, Therefore, share the love and happiness follows...
Thank you ladies for your kind words. I have to vent sometimes but I know the true gifts I have and they have names. I am harder on myself than my children are. We have always played games and had more fun not spending money than we do spending money. God bless you both for your kind words.
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