Bipolar rant!



I’ve mentioned it a time or two on this blog about being bipolar. I have been a highly functioning
bipolar most of my adult life….most of it anyway. I have been blessed to have an extremely great support group…close friends, co-workers, family and even my children. All know the signs and triggers that send me off the rails and the ticks to steering me in the right direction.
By nature, I am an inquisitive, hyperactive person. I am constantly having to do something…usually something mental. For example, my job is mental. I am a problem solver and I write technical articles for our support service vendor. I also am working on finishing my Bachelor’s with my eyes set on graduate school. Along with 6 credit hours of upper level classes and a full time job, I also have a highly functioning special needs 23 year old who is struggling to find a place in the world for himself and maneuvering the wonderful world of voc rehab, a 19 year old who cannot figure out what to be when he grows up and can’t NOT break something on his car or slow down, and a 16 year old with a social life. We also live far out of town so everything requires driving and gas money.
This past November I participated in the National Novel Writing Month and completed it! Woo Who! Talk about mental! Add on to that, that I have started to have some medical issues that have not made me sick but have required test after test after test and lots of waiting. Then add to that, difficulties of others not playing nicely at work…between departments, systems office, employees and just people in general. Toss in a side of one income and lots of bills with a splash of Christmas gifts and what do you have? One cycle crazy bipolar struggling not to snap.
Let me just add that I am not the crazy up on the bell tower picking people off with an AK something or another. No, other than the random snapping at you biting your head off I am the crazy lock myself in my room and sleep for days or go shopping and spend the mortgage money crazy. I am border then whole snapping at people and going to sleep for a month at the moment. I hate this feeling. Everything is stressing me yet I have enough knowledge of my…heck what do you call it? A disease? A disorder? A case of the crazies? Whatever you call it I have enough knowledge of myself to know I walk a fine line. I know that everyone cannot possible be this annoying and idiotic (although some are very close to my perception at the moment). I would give anything sometimes to be “normal”. Of course, I would probably have to give up my creativity, my think way outside of the box approach and I would not have the wild moments of bravery that lets me venture out into the world unafraid.
Why am writing this post about being basically on the line to being insane? Because I guess I just want someone to know I am fighting it and if there’s someone else out there in the same boat, we can form regatta of off kilterness. (Yes I know that isn’t a word). For all those, who don’t have a handle on the mental issues that strike you, just know you are not alone and there is help. I know I am blessed by my support system and the knowledge that I have gained over the years. I also know the moments when you can’t tell if your paranoia is justified or if it’s in your head. I also know that feeling of complete and utter uselessness. It doesn’t have to always be that way.
So tonight while I want to scream and shout and let it all out. I sit here and type this; hoping for relief from this downward cycle. I know it is temporary and I will swing back up to a level balance and life will be ok again. Never perfect. Never too bad. Never not fixable. And that my friends is basically all I have. Perhaps I’ll go find something to distract my racing mind as it slides down the corridor of negativity and remember for a brief moment, the many blessings I have. The tricks of the trade…distract my mind. I’ll smile and remember it’s ok not to be fixed…it’s ok to be broken. 

If you suffer from depression or if you just need help please contact your local mental health provider or visit http://www.nami.org/ for more information. Education really is power.  
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NaNoWriMo....WINNER!!!!

Guess who has two thumbs and decided to join the insanity this month with NaNoWriMo?

 That's right! This insane girl. I wrote 50,199 words of pure crap! But it was the first crap that made it out of my head and off of an outline and into some kind of form. It's amazing how consumed I became of this challenge but I did it. My first novel is penned. Now it's time to do rewrites, editing, a lot of crying over the kind of crap I thought was decent and maybe, just maybe, I may have something that resembles a decent story.

I had a so much fun (and headaches) with the challenge. Most of the high points involved the awesome group page on Facebook for my region. Sprints, pub crawls, words of encouragement, and great laughs. Will I do this again? Yes! It is just the catalyst I needed to remember what I love....writing. (What? Did you think I was going to say sleep derivation and lack of social life?) Yea, those too.

That is my big news. I'm so excited! So as I sit here bragging on myself, sipping my sangria, and listening to the winter storm roll in, I feel almost like a real writer. Watch and we shall see!!

Post Haste Writing Muse

So maybe more like "Post it" haste. My creative muse has now escaped my mind and taken up residence on my bedroom wall and a traveling notebook that's at my side at all times.
It's been such a long time since I've had more than an inkling of inspiration. So this weekend when it hit I went with it. First just jotting down a few outlined things on paper...several pages in I quickly realized I couldn't keep all straight.

Hello story boarding!!

Everything became so much clearer. After an hour or so, I was ready to at least start my thoughts on virtual paper. By the end of the night 6,000 well organized words came to life on the page. 

Now the trick is to remember when I'm out in the real world that the world in my head isn't really out here. Ha! Ha! That's just a hazard of being who we are. Writers don't get to be 'sane'. If we did, the world would be a very boring place.

As for now, I'm still writing and planning. Only now I'm balancing work, family, and two classes to boot. I have faith though. While I doubt it'll ever become a published work, I do believe it'll be one of the greatest contributions to my million words of crap!

Happy reading...& writing! 
Cat

Paper doll

I wrote this poem with thoughts of my grandmother. A small moment in time that seared this imagine in my heart.  I hope you like it.

Paper Doll 
By Catherine Russell

Soft paper-like skin
lays over vessels glowing
translucently under
a thin veil of tissue
pulsing the remains
of life left in an aging body.
A snow white cap
peaks over eyes
containing within them
miles of memories
of a life lead.
Lines divide and connect
the contours edging a smile
of gaiety that covers
a deeper sadness.
Cool brittle hands
flutter up to cover
a mouth of missing teeth
as cackling laughter
escape the lips.
A warm flush spreads
across the cheeks
just below the surface
of the thin paper veil
that is her skin.
Eyes of gray
glisten in the crevices
as a tear of joy
escapes the corner.
A simple moment
in this paper doll’s life
A memory forever
in my heart.

As always this is my intellectual property and cannot be shared without my expressed written permission. 
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Not Seen by Catherine Russell


Not Seen 
by Catherine Russell

You look but don’t see.
You peer through ill fitted glasses,
Through filtered reality.
Blinded by a fantasy that will not come.

An exterior of superficial desires
but not into the soul.
You never see what’s really there.
Only the window dressing.

An image you have created
that is nothing of the truth.
Blinded to what is before you
What truly composes the canvas.

Oh the things you have missed
right before your very eyes and heart.
All is there yet invisible to your perception.
There in plain sight yet not seen.



**This is not only my intellectual property but also and extension of my soul. Please do not reproduce this work without my expressed permission.
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Poetry in motion

I've decided to step out on a limb. Make a motion and put a little piece of me out here. A friend once told me that poetry was like walking down the street naked. It bares the soul for all to see. That's probably why I never want to let it out there. Nothing worse than that dream we've all had being naked on the school bus. UG! However, I'll never move forward if I don't put this out there. So without further rambling from me, here's a little piece of my naked soul.

broken glass


Broken 
By Catherine Russell

Shoes that are scuffed
A hem that unraveled
A blouse faded and frayed
All the outward signs
That I am broken.

Facial lines deepening
Lips embraced by a frown
Eyes settled with sadness
All the outward signs
That I am broken.

A dented fender
A wobbly tire
A cracked windshield
All the outward signs
That I am broken.

A loving heart
A forgiven soul
A mind filled with knowledge
All the inner signs
That I am not broken.

A warm desire
A tender moment
A twinkle of the eye
All the inner signs
That I am not broken.

A song in my head
A spring in my step
A smile growing within
All the inner signs
That I am not broken.

A day begun
A day lived through
A day coming to an end
All the inner signs
That I am not broken.

Copyright by Catherine Russell
Do not reprint without expressed written permission from the author.

Sunday Sanctuary "You should date a girl who reads" RM Urquico


You should date a girl who reads.
Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes, who has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she has found the book she wants. You see that weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a secondhand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow and worn.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas, for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry and in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who read understand that all things must come to end, but that you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes.”

~RM Uriquico

This was organically a personal Facebook post between friends. Uriquico's friend asked to post it to her Tumblr account, and as it is with much of the world today, it went viral. Nevertheless, Ms. Uriquico says it so well for all us bookworms and to all the young and not so young, men in the world. 
Greetings and salutations! I love that greeting. We just don't use awesome sounding greetings anymore. Thank you technology. I didn't do any end of the year wrap ups for 2012. Actually, I barely posted in 2012.   I've been so absent this year.I, myself, have wondered what has happened to me. Well, I'm a live and well. Very well actually. That's part of my absence actually. Long story short = came down with mono several years ago + killed my immune system + constant illness ravishing my entire system = death to my dental health. Basically, my extended illness caused my teeth to begin to die from the inside out. My mouth actually began to look grey and much like something you'd see in a 3rd world country. I remained ill with a constant infection and was taking antibiotics like Pez. After a long discussion with my doctor and dentist, I made the HUGE step and had all my teeth pulled. This is not something I had ever thought I'd do, let alone at the ripe ol' age of 40. Having said that, it was the best decision I could have ever mad. Other than a slight cold that lasted roughly a week & no work missed, I have been well!! YAY ME!!! I have not been on antibiotics in three months. I've been to work with only taking off to go back to have my new plates adjusted. Due to my immune system, I have to go with the old fashion dental plates but I've been told if I continue to regain my health as I have been, I can look at implants in the future. Regardless, I feel like I'm on the road to humanity again. 

I also started my BA program in Humanities. Yes, I did lose my mind again. It's been a great program so far. It's been pretty open on what courses I take. Having brought in an Associates in Arts, I only have to work on a few hours of required courses (all 300 & 400 Humanity courses) and several electives. I didn't do any amount of writing with being proud of. Two great ideas that I outlined and several poems but fevers and illness kind of killed the creative creature that resides in my heart. As far as work, I got a promotion of sorts. More work, same money but I was overpaid for what I was doing anyway...shhhh don't tell them I said that. I've really put a lot into work and feel like I accomplish things when I leave no instead of just push buttons and answer questions. Both of which are important but after several years of the same job I was ready for the change. 

So what's in store for the year ahead? 
I'm reading again (if I can stay off of Netflix...Curse you Netflix and all your British splendor). I'm also working on writing again...slowly. Too slow really. I hope that will pick up this semester when I audit a creative writing course we teach. It's a great platform to push your writing and to get feed back instantly and honestly from  your peers. Family and friends are just too dang nice when it comes to constructive criticism with the exception of my dad. He loves to tell me what's wrong. Got to love him for that. One more thing I'm working on for 2013 is knocking of  a few items from my bucket list. Yes, I'm that big of a dork. I have a bucket list. That's a post for another day. Let's not forget the same promise I make every January...to post more regularly. I'll work on that...promise. 

I hope everyone had a great Holiday season. I say Holiday not because I'm afraid of offending anyone but because it's shorter to type than to include all the holidays we go through from October 31st through Jan 1st.   
I'll close out with an after shot of my beautiful chompers. Why? Because I'm in love with myself. No just because I can't get over the difference in not only the appearance of my smile but how much better I feel.  I hope everyone has a great January and I'll be back soon with more boring babble to entertain you. 

Happy reading! 

I have chosen to be HAPPY because it is good for my health.
                                   ~Voltaire~
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