Yesterday, on the extremely long drive to work (roughly 30 miles one way) as I often do, I let my mind wonder about. It usually comes back with some great topic to scribble about, a line or two to start a poem, or a to-do list if nothing else. I watched the shades of pink and pale blue intermingle across the sky as daylight started to take over and it reminded me of my Bipolar. It's kind of like that. I've never hid it. I don't out and out advertise it but I don't hide. It's part of me. Part of who I am. Back to where I started. Pinks and Blues. Most of the world that sees me, sees the Pinks. The smiles. The Sunshine. The Bright, happy girl. And for the most part, at this time in my life, it isn't all fake. In the past, sure, it had to be a front. At times now it still has to be forced. However, for the most part I'm becoming happy with who I am. I've excepted the many flaws I have and have actually accepted some of them as strengths more so than flaws. At work, at church, even among my friends, I'm the Pink one. The Blues? I'm still there too. I'll always be there. Much like the morning sky, you can't separate the two. There was a time in my life when I wanted to. Desperately, I wanted to separate them. I wanted to paint over, erase, ignore the fine lines of the Blue bleeding over into the Pink. I see now though that the Blue, next to the Pink, makes it POP as they say. The Blue enhances the Pink. Makes the truly Pink moments brighter.
I even miss the Blues at times. Some of my best works have come in deep dark Blues. That's when the most creative moments come. The Muses even come and stay. I have a better appreciation for them now. I want to master the ability to control the moments...to be able to dive into the Blue shades and dig out the bits that make the words and moments flow so naturally but be able to return when I want to. That would be amazing. But to control such a thing would be wrong. It wouldn't be organic and that is the truly great thing about the color spectrum between the Pinks and the Blues. The shades in between make life worth living.
Funny thing about the Pinks and the Blues, sometimes they contect in incidental moments and you don't know until much later. This lovely moment happened yesterday morning around 7 am. I got home yesterday close to 6ish. There was one of those lovely manila envelopes waiting for me on the table. I love those padded packages. It means I've received a book to review. There's always something wonderful waiting inside (sometimes not so wonderful but that's another story). It was a book sent for me to read and review:
A Hidden Madness By James T.R. Jones
"A Hidden Madness tells the story of an accomplished individual who has reached the pinnacle of his profession despite suffering for over thirty years from the severe mental illness bipolar disorder. He has done so mostly in silence because of fear of stigma. Extreme childhood bullying helped cause his condition, which has seen him hospitalized five times in psychiatric facilities for periods as long as six months. It is an eye-opening voyage through the little-understood realm of severe mental illness featuring its powerful medications, periodic hospitalizations, often rocky relationships, and light as well as dark moments. The story offers both real hope for those afflicted by serious mental illness and deep insight into their many symptoms, numerous drugs, periodic crises, and potential triumphs. It shows that by being compliant with a medical regimen of therapy and medication, getting help and support from others with the same illness, benefitting from a loving family, discovering coping mechanisms to get through every day, having caring and understanding friends, and being too stubborn to let a disease ruin his life one can enjoy a successful and fulfilling professional and personal life".~ Amazon blurb
I remember when my mother and father were first told that I was, as they liked to call it back then, a Manic-Depressive. (Whoever came up with the term Bipolar has my eternal gratitude. It fits so much better. It is like living in two worlds at times.) The doctors actually instructed my mother to put locks on the cutlery drawers and had her afraid of me. In general, most Bipolars are content with self hate...we don't attack (in general). I am blessed that I have several things going for me. I am in the generation where we sought help, I have an amazing support system (parents who wanted to know & help and children who I've never hid it from), I had the opportunities to educated myself, and of course, I am not a severe case. Each person's is different. I can function and most of the world has no idea that I'm considered mental ill. I am so excited to get to read Pro. Jones book. To get a glimpse into the life of someone who has Bipolar and has, in the eyes of the world, become a success, is a victory of sorts. Many people don't even realize that many of us with Bipolar are intelligent, crafty, creative individuals, and an asset to the rest of the world. It is such a huge leap from the days when I was first diagnosed.
I'm also excited that Pro. Jones teaches in the state I now call home. Somehow, that makes it feel more personal. I don't know. I'm crazy after all. There's a fine line there. So now I'm off to catch some moments of peaceful reading before the world starts buzzing again.
I recently completed Completely In Blue: Dispatches from the edge of insanity by Chris Curry. Most of you know that I am quite outspoken about my life as a bipolar. Chris Curry tells his story in a brutally honest way in this book. His is a story of drugs and alcohol and the mental psychosis that both the chemicals he purposely put in his body and the so called treatments of the time threw him in. He goes in to great detail about the things he put himself, his friends, and his family through. He holds no punches as he tells of his fast decline from sanity by somehow becoming a drug dealer just like that, his lack of sleep thanks to the drugs, his run in with law enforcement, his lock downs in mental hospitals, a couple of very unhealthy relationships and several violent episodes both by him and to him. As the book goes on, Chris Curry tells how his personal quest to sanity and desire for answers to his questions ignited a passion about mental health that lead him to a calling and career in the very field he tried for years to get away from: mental health. 
