Recently one of my fellow bloggers who inspires me in numerous ways, left a post about her struggles with blogging, career, and life itself. And here I thought I was the only one. Initially, I feared her post was a farewell post. Luckily, it was mainly reflection and a musing on losing readers if she mixed up the schematic of her post...adding general commentary in addition to book based memes among other things. How funny it is that even in the blogsphere we worry what others will think of us, will they approve? Disapproval kills us in any form. Why? After all, we ourselves disapprove of things from time to time. I don't think we do more than scrunch up our noses and move on. As humans we seek approval from every angle we can get it. Is it because we don't approve of ourselves? We see the things we think, the things we feel, the hatred, the disgust, every dark thought we have. Perhaps we fear that others, even those in blogsphere, will see the darker sides of us. See through the words into the small ugly parts in us.
Or perhaps, we just bore them and that too confirms we are average; no more special than the next clone sitting in the cube next to us. We all strive to shine in some small way. To shine; to be special; to prove we deserve this existence is one of our biggest goals in this life but it isn't our only goal. I know I lose focus on that from time to time. I want to feel special just as much as the next person. I've come to realize though that there are small moments in life that make me feel more special than all the accolades in the world both in the physical world and blogsphere. A moment of a teenage child thanking you for being hard enough on him to do the right thing but encouraging enough to put a smile on his face. Small moments like reading a blog and realizing you aren't alone in this world. Your thoughts are ok. Someone else is struggling with the same fears. And while you thought you were sinking in those fears, you maybe just far enough ahead to help someone else pull themselves up, dust themselves off, and trudge forward.
I love to write. I love to read. Most important, I love to live. This blog is my little world where I can put down in words the things that compose me...the funny, the dark, the sad, the analytical, the books I love and not love so much...all the things that compose me. That's all I think any of us can do. Put out to the world what composes us and hopefully it will touch someone...help them grow...or simply put a smile on their face (even if because they are so happy they aren't in our shoes). We are who were are and that my friend, is forever changing.

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

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This is me. Not the woman, I wish! The words. I love this song. It says all the things I think day to day when I think about what I am going to do or even who I am. There is no limit to what I can do because...I'm unwritten. A blank slate and I have some mighty good ink to start filling my pages. I'm starting to work on my bucket list including actually doing some of the things. I have found this drive to want to live life. Not just watch it happen but experience it. As a person who likes to write, I do love to watch people around me but lately, I want more. I don't know if it's a belated spring fever or just a renewed thirst to make the most of the gift of life God's given me but I want to be a part of life not just its transcriptionist. (Plus it really gives me some perspective on a first person POV sometimes). I continue to do my studies, raise my family, work my job, pay my bills but I'm also stopping to rub my toes in the cool grass, smell the fresh air, listen to the birds, and taste the foods around me. I, and only I, can write my story. I can't trust it to anyone but me and the Big Guy above. I can wait to see how it ends but I'm really looking forward to the next story...

Most people who know me, know that my oldest has Tourette's. For those who don't, my son has Tourette's. No "awes" please. Having Tourette's is just like being Diabetic. It just is. I'd like to think I've never treated him any different than I would have if he wasn't given the little extra quirk but that would be a lie. At times, I've enabled him to be less than he could and at other times, I've been harder on him had he not had Tourette's. Either way, he's an amazing young man. If you know him, you know that he's intelligent. Sometimes a bit too intelligent. He thinks outside of the box. (Truth be told, none of my children even know there's a box to begin with).

He graduated high school this past June. This was an amazing day for all of us. Especially him. I was once once told that I need to come to terms with the fact he'd never make in public school and should really consider institutionalizing him. I won't go into my reaction about it. It's not healthy to dwell on it. It was however the fuel I needed to help fight for him. My push with the schools and his hard work paid off. At the last meeting with his teachers and the staff involved with him at his high school, they told me that he was the standard they held the others to. He was hard working, never in trouble, sought help when he needed it, asked extremely intelligent questions, was humorous, and a delight to have as a student. They said they'd greatly miss him. (Side note: his reputation saved his brother this past year from being expelled after he was in a school fight. Based entirely on his older brothers reputation). We all were fighting back tears that day.

Now several months after graduation, and many years after the statement of dismissal, he's preparing to leave for school. Over three hours away from home. It'll be good for him. He's extremely excited. It's a school that specializing in so called disabilities (we don't call them disabilities. They're simply extra obstacles). He'll get driver's training, basic life skills (paying bills etc), occupational therapy to help with his lack of memory skills which every 20 year old has, and he'll get his basic college education. I'm excited for him. Yet I'm fearful too. For the first time in his life, I won't be there to help. But isn't that how its suppose to be? The distance I suppose is the best thing for him now. I guess it all goes back to the old saying "Sink or Swim". But one thing I've learned from him, when it comes that time he not only swims he performs the entire water ballet. I'm so proud of him. He'll do fine. And me? Well, I suppose this is the best time for me to learn to let go. There's two more just ready to spread their wings. I wish him the best. I know he'll make us proud and best of all, he'll make himself proud.

Sometimes I get discouraged by real life cutting into my creative time. It's a road block. It stops me from writing freely without interruptions. Living in a house with three teenage boys, who are I might add louder than a concert, I get very little uninterrupted moments. As I type this, one of them is wrapping another up in a blanket...let me correct that...several blankets until the one being wrapped can't move or breathe. This is apparently a fun activity. Its also very loud. It also makes me smile. While real life cuts into my writing time it does give me a lot to work with. There isn't a day that goes by that some odd ball incident, some bizarre stunt they pull, some beyond logic conversation doesn't inspire me. I'm inspired in so many ways. Not for a full length piece of literary work to capture the attention of demanding readers but just to write. To write, wel, to just write. There's nothing like having writer's block to sit down and write about some 3 stooges moment to let the creativity flow. I guess that's just what life is. Not so much a road block but a detour. I have characters come to life with such strong and wild personalities sometimes I wonder where they come from. Tonight I realized where. They all have a piece or two that draws from the manic moments in my home. From my children. Ain't life grand?

I've been under some stressful emotions lately. Several aspects of my life are changing rapidly while others are in limbo until I make some decisions. All of which are life changing in one way or another. As per her norm, my Muse came last night at 11:47 pm. Right on time. All my medication for my inner ear infection had kicked in but my Muse will not be ignored any longer. But man or man! She was in full force and I am so glad I did not ignore her. She has brought me an early Christmas present. A story. The story I have been searching for. She brought it and dropped it in my head with her rich characters and appeal. Of course, she also dropped in a setting I know nothing about so I'll be doing research. Other than for papers, I've never really done any real research so this may take me a while. But she's singing in my head even as I prepare the house for the Christmas feastivities later this week. My notebook is close at hand so I can jot down whatever she throws at me before I lose it. Its delightful to have her so excited in my head. I hope I can do her justice. Only time will tell.