I have a tendency to start something in the middle. I get an idea (an image or whatever) and I run with it. 99.999% of the time it starts in the middle of something.  Now I have over 5000 words and since I started in the middle, I decided to stop, then decided to find the start of my new make believe world. Sounds like a solid plan doesn't it?

Wrong! I am finding myself in the midst of two separate character types. My original heroine was confused and thinking she was going crazy. My second one is a control freak and large and in charge. Now I'm wondering what I should do with these two very different people. They could stand on their own but I wonder how to tie them together. You know, the whole, strong woman turns soft, then finds true strength thing? Or should I just cut them apart and let each woman have her own story? The weaker one is my main focus. The story line is there, laid before me in all its splendor. I just have to figure out how to free these two into their proper places. (Side note: their love interests are what's really messing with me. One is more controlling and the other is more of an equal. Not much of what I was headed for with these women but sometimes my Muse has ideas of her own.)

So what do you do when your literary personalities fight amongst themselves as to what they should be, should do, should say? Do you let them fight it out and fix the broken pieces later or do you fix them now, give them separate "rooms" and walk dignified into the battle field of writing to create to separate but equally balanced worlds?

These are the ramblings of woman trying to keep up with her Muse who once again has created her own agenda. Ain't life grand?

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

I love this quote. I have to admit that I hadn’t even seen it or read it until this morning. It was hanging in a simple frame on the wall next to the bathroom in the restaurant I had breakfast in. Actually, the truth is my mother spotted it and came back to the table to get me so she could show me. It’s amazing how things, er, rather how God seems to reveal things in his own perfect time. As a writer and an emerging human being, I am a work in progress. I am constantly looking for who I am or what direction I want to go in. I am also realizing I am more than what the mold of my station in life is. That sounds so harsh I’m sure but I simply mean that I do not fit into a neat little category. I am a mom.I am a student.I am a Christian.I am a daughter. A friend. A lover. A learner. A teacher. A follower. A leader. A speck in the cosmos. A boulder. I am larger than life. I am smaller than the dust. I am so much more than a label can contain. I am limited. I am limitless. I am encompassed. I am all encompassing. I am love. I am loved. I am laughter. I am laughed at. I am old. I am young. I am needy. I am needed. I am. To be myself I must be what the wind has made me today and what the rains will bring tomorrow. I cannot be the things of a category; a demographic; a quota. I am me. As I’ve said so many times before. I am me…whoever that is.

This blog was intended to be a platform for my ramblings about writing and even display some of my archaic works. The title, however, leads me to believe that perhaps this blog is much more than another want to be writer pushing herself out there to the world. It's the words that compose Cat. Composing Cat is my platform for me. So what's the big deal? I have a self discovery. I've discovered something I truly love. First, the boring background. I am a middle aged woman who is pursuing a degree. I do not put faith in sheep skin to make me all knowing and all wise. Unfortunately, because I like to eat and do not wish to do the same job forever nor do I wish to trade it for an equally minimal position, I feel the need and desire to get that all powerful parchment that will say to the world I am persistent enough to get a degree. I used to joke and say it didn't matter if I had a PhD in Pottery Making as long as I had documentation that I was college educated I could rule the world.

I am now drawing close to finishing my Associates in Arts. It's only be a 20 year journey. Oh sure, there's been obstacles i.e. having a family, working, not taking classes. The little things, you know. Luckily, I'm afforded a wonderful opportunity to now work at a Community College that allows us to take 6 credit hours free. Ya! This December, Lord willing and the creek don't rise, as they say around here, I will be not only the first high school graduate in my family but also the first to attend and graduate from College. But wait! There's more!

I'm not stopping. Not that it'll get me anywhere in life but I am continuing on transferring to one of our states larger Universities through a distance learning program, you know, online, weekend, etc. I have not chosen an English Major. While this is what most want to be writers would pursue I march to my own drum. Well, actually, not even a drum. Mine  is more like a MP3 player in need of Ritalin. As I said earlier in the post, I've fallen in love with....wait for it...wait for it...Communications. The study of how we communicate is fascinating to me. After all, we all do it...daily, hourly, with each blink, with each clearing of the throat, and even with the things we do not do. We communicate...there is just no way around it.

Tonight, while studying I had an epiphany. I have not only a desire to write (which learning to communicate couldn't hurt) but also to teach others how to effectively communicate. I live in a rural area. I'm not originally from here so I can look at this as an outsider but I've also been here close to two decades so I can also see it from an insider's view point as well. People do not treat others very well if they do not communicate "properly". What a shame too. There are so many people in this area who are so wise but discounted because they don't know how to effectively get their point across or even just present themselves in an understandable way. I'm not just talking about people sound "hick". I'm talking about people being able to stand up for themselves and being able to present themselves in a positive light so that they don't have to settle for the bare minimum.

I have so many ideas pumping around my brain tonight. While I'm a million years away from having a piece of paper that qualifies me for officially helping someone by teaching, I'm one step closer to the very thing that has been driving me for so long but I was unable to see it. I've always felt a pull to help people. It's in my nature. I come from helper people. No better than anyone else. No worse either. It's a great feeling though to know that I have a direction. A goal. Now perhaps even the words that I desire to fill the pages of my make believe worlds will flow a bit better...now that I've cleared one small hurdle. I've found a direction and a map to lead there. I'm sure there will be detours, road blocks, and even roads that will close altogether. Yet I feel a sense of accomplishment by just know that I have a passion for something that is dear to my hear and can possibly help so many others.

Good night all.
Cat

Now that I've reminded myself that writing is important to me, I am consumed by all aspects of it. That's understandable since I do this with everything I get into. It's a hazard to being a bit OCDish. I love the excited feeling of my words bringing the voices to life once again but I'm having a bit of difficulty focusing. Why? I think it's that I don't know my voice. I know my voices but not my voice. I have several. I can write anecdotal. I can write humorously. I can write deep, soul searchingly. These three live in very different places. I don’t know how to make the commute between the three and produce quality work. I don’t know how to choose between them either. They’re like children. I love each of them. Each has their own unique place in my heart. Each is a part of me. Now how to I find that happy medium? That place where I can give each their due.


I could continue to give each of their time but I’m finding they’re fighting for center stage more and more. I’m flooded with their voices screaming their stories to me. Do I assign them each a day of their own? Do I give two a time out and spend a week, a weekend, a day, an hour with the one? How do you figure this out? I can’t choose and I don’t know how to tame them? So I suppose I’ll continue to run in circles until either I break or they break me.