It's hard. Too hard sometimes. I try but I still don't feel like I try hard enough. Or at least it isn't enough. Life. I'm talking about life. Please don't take this as a pity party. It's not. We are all handed certain cards in life and how we play them is entirely up to us. It's just I feel like the deck is always stacked not so much against me but everyone else is getting premium cards and I'm getting the discard pile. I made poor choices in life. We all have. Yet I stuck in there and took responsibility for the consequences of those choices. I don't regret that. Not for one minute. As a matter of fact, I am who I am today for those very consequences. A better person. I'm just tired of things always being hard. God always provides for me. That I know without a shadow of a doubt. I'm never fearful of being homeless or going hungry or freezing. But it's always so tight. I can't give my children their basic needs sometimes. They sacrifice so much and it kills me to watch them try to hide their pain and disappointment. It cuts deeper than any knife would...to the bone and then some. Basic things like more than a pair or two of jeans to stretch over a week's time. Basic things like a drink when we run to town for a school activity. Basic things like driver permits, wall coverings, new school supplies, and basic things like self esteem and self respect. I can feel myself failing in this area so badly today.

I have three amazing young men who do not ask for much but sacrifice so much. I hate feeling so inadequate as a provider. It's all on me and I try so hard to balance the roles I must be. I'm failing though. I can't give any one of them enough attention to properly complete their individual tasks sufficiently. So they are all left wanting, needing, desiring something that I can't provide. I'm tired and yet I know I haven't even begin to do enough to get the job done even the minimum.

So what's left for me to do? What else can I do to get through this? I pray and I hope that I don't damage them beyond repair when the grow up and have a life of their own. One I hope is so much better than I've given them. Every parent's goal is to provide a better life for their children than they had. I failed. I've provided such a poor life for them thus far. It will amaze me if they every look back once they leave.

But enough on my sorrow as a failing provider. I'll move past this. I always do. I'll put my happy face on once again. Make everyone around me happy and no one will be the wiser of my deficiency and maybe, just maybe, I'll pull this out of the bucket and make it all happen. Stranger things have happened.

Cat

Sent from my iPhone

I was looking forward to playing on here this evening but I've spent my evening throwing together a Spanish research paper I didn't realize was due...tonight. Thankfully it was on a cultural event and I had just heard something on the radio about a bull attack. Bingo! instant MLA styled research paper on the running of the bulls. Which is fitting considering I feel like I'm running with them only my bulls are deadlines. Work, school, household, kids, life. Everything is on a timeline and none of these seem to be working together to coordinate to keep me sane. Funny thing is, I've adjusted and there's no panic anymore - just a shrug of the shoulders, a deep breath, and carry on until the next thing comes along. So maybe I'm getting more than an academic education through out all this degree seeking madness. I'm learning endurance, patience, and definitely not to sweat the small stuff. Tomorrow's my day off and I'll spend it working on laundry, biology, grocery shopping, writing some reviews and working on some other writing projects. But best of all, I'll breathe in deep, smile, and enjoy the fact that this aging dog is learning so new tricks...not sweating the small stuff.


Sent from my iPhone

I'm playing with blogger templates and css coding so please excuse my mess while I move things around and pretty up the place. I liked my old template but it was a little too dark for me....literally not figuratively. Plus as I gain more blogger experience I sort of want a more experienced looking layout. I'm not sure if this one will stick but I'm liking it as of today. Let me know what you think or if you have any problems with any of the links or buttons.

Teaser Tuesdays is a weekly bookish meme, hosted by MizB of Should Be Reading. Anyone can play along! Just do the following:

Brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want something badly enough. They are there to keep out the other people" 

— Randy Pausch (The Last Lecture)

The Second is my recent read, Hide and Watch by Jill Hicks Lawson. This is a quick but a powerful read telling the story of how God's plans aren't always so clear but in due time he makes them clear. Its also a wonderful story of the strength the author had to go through her mother's illness and come out blessed in the end.


(check back in the coming week for my review of this one; plus author interview and fun and a book giveaway)

PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT with either the link to your own Musing Mondays post, or share your answer in a comment here (if you don’t have a blog). Thanks

It's a fantastic Friday for me. I have a coworker who has written an amazing book that's been published!

Have you noticed that it is easy to speak of God's faithfulness in times of prosperity, but that in times of suffering, such praise becomes lost?

In Hide and Watch, a true tale of sorrow and distress, of hope and triumph, Jill Hicks Lawson shares how she was spiritually transformed by overcoming her doubt in God during times of struggle. From enduring her battle with weight, her mother's kidney disease; to experiencing debilitating infertility and painful divorce; and eventually to becoming her mother's only hope for life, Lawson's personal accounts speak to the universal human experience of suffering, both physical and emotional, providing firsthand proof that, regardless of circumstance, God is in the business of giving hope.

By recounting moments of pain and progress, Lawson demonstrates that anguish is the only pathway to experiencing the dramatic joy and peace that result from God's intervention and healing, assuring those amid the battle that, in the end, what does not kill your faith makes it stronger.

In celebration of Jill's book, I'm hosting a "Hide & Watch" week with a review of the book,  an interview with the author, games, and how could we go without a book giveaway?  So stay tuned for more details.