I’ve mentioned it a time or two on this blog about being
bipolar. I have been a highly functioning
bipolar most of my adult life….most
of it anyway. I have been blessed to have an extremely great support group…close
friends, co-workers, family and even my children. All know the signs and
triggers that send me off the rails and the ticks to steering me in the right
direction.
By nature, I am an inquisitive, hyperactive person. I am
constantly having to do something…usually something mental. For example, my job
is mental. I am a problem solver and I write technical articles for our support
service vendor. I also am working on finishing my Bachelor’s with my eyes set
on graduate school. Along with 6 credit hours of upper level classes and a full
time job, I also have a highly functioning special needs 23 year old who is
struggling to find a place in the world for himself and maneuvering the
wonderful world of voc rehab, a 19 year old who cannot figure out what to be
when he grows up and can’t NOT break something on his car or slow down, and a
16 year old with a social life. We also live far out of town so everything
requires driving and gas money.
This past November I participated in the National Novel Writing
Month and completed it! Woo Who! Talk about mental! Add on to that, that I have
started to have some medical issues that have not made me sick but have
required test after test after test and lots of waiting. Then add to that,
difficulties of others not playing nicely at work…between departments, systems
office, employees and just people in general. Toss in a side of one income and
lots of bills with a splash of Christmas gifts and what do you have? One cycle
crazy bipolar struggling not to snap.
Let me just add that I am not the crazy up on the bell tower
picking people off with an AK something or another. No, other than the random
snapping at you biting your head off I am the crazy lock myself in my room and
sleep for days or go shopping and spend the mortgage money crazy. I am border then
whole snapping at people and going to sleep for a month at the moment. I hate
this feeling. Everything is stressing me yet I have enough knowledge of my…heck
what do you call it? A disease? A disorder? A case of the crazies? Whatever you
call it I have enough knowledge of myself to know I walk a fine line. I know
that everyone cannot possible be this annoying and idiotic (although some are
very close to my perception at the moment). I would give anything sometimes to
be “normal”. Of course, I would probably have to give up my creativity, my
think way outside of the box approach and I would not have the wild moments of
bravery that lets me venture out into the world unafraid.
Why am writing this post about being basically on the line
to being insane? Because I guess I just want someone to know I am fighting it
and if there’s someone else out there in the same boat, we can form regatta of
off kilterness. (Yes I know that isn’t a word). For all those, who don’t have a
handle on the mental issues that strike you, just know you are not alone and
there is help. I know I am blessed by my support system and the knowledge that
I have gained over the years. I also know the moments when you can’t tell if
your paranoia is justified or if it’s in your head. I also know that feeling of
complete and utter uselessness. It doesn’t have to always be that way.
So tonight while I want to scream and shout and let it all
out. I sit here and type this; hoping for relief from this downward cycle. I
know it is temporary and I will swing back up to a level balance and life will
be ok again. Never perfect. Never too bad. Never not fixable. And that my
friends is basically all I have. Perhaps I’ll go find something to distract my
racing mind as it slides down the corridor of negativity and remember for a
brief moment, the many blessings I have. The tricks of the trade…distract my
mind. I’ll smile and remember it’s ok not to be fixed…it’s ok to be broken.
If you suffer from depression or if you just need help please contact your local mental health provider or visit
http://www.nami.org/ for more information. Education really is power.